


and i know the scariest part is letting go

by nosecoffee



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Sleepless in Seattle AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:18:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosecoffee/pseuds/nosecoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Eliza got sick. And it happened, just like that. There was nothing anybody could do. If we start asking "Why?" we'll go crazy. So, that's rule number 1. We never ask why."</p><p>A Sleepless in Seattle AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i know the scariest part is letting go

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Christina Perri's song 'The Words'

**Los Angeles, California, USA**

**5:24 pm, 13th of June, 2014**

Eliza was dead.

He still couldn't quite believe it.

Not even while he was standing beside the coffin as they lowered it into the ground.

Not even as he put a hand on Philip's shoulder, not just for the boy to lean into him, but maybe also just to feel someone.

Not even as Angelica fussed around in the kitchen, asking him if he knew how to microwave leftovers.

Not even as Peggy hugged Philip on the couch that Eliza bought, curled up with his face against her chest as he cried. He was only seven.

"Alex? Are you listening?" He turned to look at Angelica's worried, yet stony expression. She was holding up Tupperware containers and turned towards the microwave.

"Five minutes, seventy percent. Got it." He replied. She looked relieved.

Angelica had always distracted herself when she was grieving. Or, at least, Eliza had said she did.

Eliza.

He turned back to the window. He could still hear Philip sobbing in the living room, still hear Peggy shushing him, telling it was all going to be alright, that everything would be fine.

A hand on his shoulder made him turn again. Angelica's furrowed brow was less intense, her expression wobbly.

She held up a tissue and wiped the stray tear he didn't know had left his eye away.

And then she burst into her own and he hugged her, as hard as he could, the pressure comforting from the hole in his heart.

_ Eliza. _

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**6:37 pm, 24th of December, 2015**

John was getting married. He still couldn't quite believe it. It had only been a few days and he still couldn't get used to it.

John was engaged.

Martha smiled at him as she packed her car with the presents she's brought been keeping in her office. "Are you sure they're gonna like me?"

He scoffed jokingly. "Of course they're gonna like you." John told her, closing the boot. "If they're anything like me at all, they'll love you."

She smiled again and kissed him on the cheek. "Anything happens, I'm in the car behind you, okay?"

He ran his thumb over the back of her hand and returned her kiss.

"Okay. See you in a few hours."

Martha climbed into her car and John looked away, climbing into his own and turning on the radio.

_ 'Ninety-nine red balloons, floating in the summer sky!' _

John bopped up and down in his seat as he turned on the engine, singing along softly as he pulled out of the parking spot and out onto the road.

_ ‘Panic bells, it’s red alert!’ _

"There's something here from somewhere else! The war machine springs to life, opens up one eager eye! Focusing it on the sky where ninety-nine red balloons go by!"

His phone buzzed in the cup holder and he glanced down in time to see the text notification from Martha, reading "I can see you bouncing and it's amusing!!!" along with a few love heart emojis.

He'd text back but he was too safety conscious, so he just put a thumbs up and hoped she saw it.

It would certainly be a long road trip.

-

**Los Angeles, California, USA**

**2:48 pm, 19th of September, 2014**

"You look like you need a break."

Alex looked up. Hercules was leaning against his desk, holding a coffee cup. Alex prayed it wasn't for him - he'd already gotten four - and sighed in relief when the other man took a sip.

"Do I?" He asked, nonchalantly. Or at least what he hoped sounded nonchalant. He couldn't really tell anymore. He leaned back in his chair for emphasis.

"Yeah." Hercules nodded, sipping again and pushing his beanie back from his forehead. "How's Phil?"

"Alright." He wasn't. "He's been coping in his own way." Most of it was smashing his hands into the piano at random intervals, tearing up sheet music, and swearing in French. He didn't know who'd taught him that.

Alex had tried talking to him, but he wasn't as good at talking to the boy as Eliza had been. Philip had been totally destroyed by her death.

Peggy visited often, because Angelica and her husband had to leave to live in London because of work.

("He's just angry." Peggy told him one night after Philip left the table without eating anything. "He's angry and sad and he thinks he's alone. You're his father. You need to show him that you care about him."

"Aren't I?" Alex replied desperately. "I thought I was doing okay, I thought we were doing okay and then..."

Peggy put a hand on his bicep. "You did everything you could for her. But he needs you right now.")

Hercules bit his lip. "And what about you? How are you holding up?"

Alex shrugged. "I honestly don't know. She used to remind me to eat and to go to sleep and now the only reason I do either is because I'm crying or Philip reminds me."

"Do you want the number of my counsellor?"

At that, Alex's head snapped up. He picked the coat draped over the back of his chair up and pulled all the little cards out of his pocket.

"Single Parents Anonymous." He threw the card down on his desk. "Parents Without Spouses." Another card. "Spouses Without Parents." Another. "Suddenly Single." Another. He threw them all down and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes to force back the tears. A sob broke through the lump in his throat.

He looked up and locked his jaw in place. Hercules hadn't moved, seemed to be frozen.

"Don't mind me. I'm just the guy who lost his wife." He muttered angrily and glanced out the window.

"Hey, don't pretend you're the only one that misses her. Okay? You and I both know that you're being irrational about this. You're not the only one who lost her." Herc slammed the coffee cup down on his desk.

Alex looked up and felt guilty. He'd almost forgotten about the short time in college when they'd all been together, where Hercules was an integrated part of the relationship. How wrecked Eliza had been when he ended it. How now that Eliza was dead, he couldn't seem to look Alex in the eye.

He looked angry. "I'm sorry, Herc. That was really selfish of me."

"It's fine." Hercules gritted out and then the anger slid from his face and he put on a cool facade. "You sound like you need a new start."

"Oh yeah? Like where?"

"Like, New York?"

Alex couldn't look him in the eyes. Hercules never got angry. Never yelled. Was never anything but friendly or stoic. He needed to remind himself of that. If he was angry, it was serious.

"What are you saying?"

The other man shrugged. "Just that I think we have a firm in New York and I'm sure that they'd move you if you asked." Hercules tentatively out a hand on Alex's shoulder. "You're going through a rough time. People just want to help."

Alex stared at the carpet. "They'd really move me to New York if I asked them to?"

"Sure." Hercules took his hand back and patted Alex's arm before turning. "Think about it."

Alex turned back to the window. "A new start..." He breathed.

-

**Charleston, South Carolina, USA**

**8:09 pm, 24th of December, 2015**

They pulled up in front of his parents house and John took a deep breath before killing the engine and getting out.

He hadn't seen his family for a full year now and showing up with a fiancé? His mother would explode.

Martha climbed out of her car and then scurried to the boot to collect all the presents she bought for his family.

"You good?" She asked.

"Yeah, you?"

"Hungry, mostly." He slammed the car door, arm full of presents.

"Well lucky you, cause Christmas Eve dinners are the best here."

"They know my requirements?" She asked as they climbed the stairs.

"I'll let them know, dear girl." John kissed her quickly on the cheek and pushed the doorbell with his foot. His mother threw open the door a moment later.

"Jack! We thought you'd never arrive!" She gestured for him to come in and he took Martha's hand and led her in too.

He dumped all the presents in the hallway and turned to hug his mother. Then he pulled away. "Mom, this is Martha Manning, my fiancé." Martha waved, her purple fingerless gloves frayed at the ends.

His mother stood stock-still. "Fiancé?"

"Yeah mom, we're getting married." He took Martha's hand again. "Martha, Eleanor, Eleanor, Martha."

"Jack!" John looked up again and saw his father striding through the corridor. He stopped beside his mother. "And who is this?"

"Hi, Mr Laurens. So nice to finally meet you." Martha said, sounding like she'd plucked up all get courage to do it. "I'm Martha Manning, John's fiancé."

"Fiancé," John's father boomed. "Good work, Jack! Always knew you had it in you!" He smacked John on the back and his mother seemed to come back to life.

She hugged Martha and the rest of John's siblings filed into the corridor.

Henry dragged him away, eventually, upstairs and into the attic, rummaging around for something. "Ah here it is." He held up a small circle of metal, silver. "It was your grandfather’s. Always been in the family. You wear it for the engagement and then you give it to your bride during the exchanging of the rings."

He handed it to John. "It's yours."

"Thanks dad." John turned it over in his hand and then tried to slide it onto his left ring finger. It was too small.

Henry noticed the look on John's face. "Is there something wrong, Jack?"

"No, no," John lied hastily, sliding the ring into the back pocket of his jeans and trying to push the thought 'It's a sign' away. "I'll put it on later. Why don't we go downstairs?"

"Yes."

The descended from the attic and John fiddled with the hem of his jacket. "Uh, just so you know, Martha's got diabetes so can we check up with the cook about dinner?"

"Of course, of course, Jack." Henry clapped him in the back for the second time that night. "She's a lovely girl."

In his back pocket, John attempted to slide the ring on again. It was still too small.

_ It's a sign. _

-

**Los Angeles, California, USA**

**10:32 am, 25th of September, 2014**

"Okay, so, in a few months, you're gonna start seeing women, you'll meet someone."

Peggy could walk fast, despite her height and she and Hercules were keeping pace with Alex as he walked to the terminal.

"Move on, right," Alex said, inspecting the two tickets into the plane he was holding. "That's - that's what I'll do."

Peggy's smile dropped.

Philip was ahead of all of them, seemingly unaware to their conversation.

"And in a few months - boom - I'll be fine. I'll just grow a new heart."

Herc sighed and they reached the terminal. "She didn't mean that."

"Alex I'm sorry, but-" Peggy began, red in the face. They all stopped. Alex put a hand on her shoulder.

"I know," he said. "But it can't happen twice."

Peggy's eyes filled with tears and she pulled him into a hug. "Take care of yourselves, okay?" She pulled away and dragged Philip into one as well, on her knees. "Promise me."

"We promise, Aunt Peggy."

Herc only nodded at them, resolutely.

Alex nodded back. Everyone dealt with their grief differently.

"Come and visit if you want."

Peggy pressed a kiss to their cheeks and bid them farewell as they walked to the entrance to the plane.

-

**Charleston, South Carolina, USA**

**9:24 pm, 24th of December, 2015**

**_Martha:_** I'm gonna be honest with you, and I mean this in the most loving way possible.

**_Martha:_ ** Jesus Christ your family is  really weird

**_John:_** now you know why I don't visit them much. My parents are crazy and my siblings are attempting to claw their way out of the pit that is Charleston, South Carolina

 ** _John:_** I visit for Christmas and on birthdays sometimes but mostly I try to hide.

**_Martha:_ ** I'm still trying to get over the fact that Laf met your family before I did.

**_John:_** In all fairness, I have known Laf since he was nineteen.

**_Martha:_ ** fair enough. I'm gonna stop texting you, because your mom is giving me a look that promises death if I take my phone out at the table one more time.

**_John:_ ** safe choice.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**9:52 pm, 24th of December, 2015**

Philip snuck down the stairs and spotted Alex, sitting on the balcony reading, from his hiding place behind the couch.

He scurried across the living room and into the dining room where the radio was, and he turned it on.

The talk show with Doctor Kitty Livingston was on and she was addressing her listeners that she was now taking callers.

Philip nodded and turned to the counter, catching sight of his dad's phone.

It couldn't hurt.

-

**Charleston, South Carolina, USA**

**10:04 pm, 24th of December, 2015**

"You go ahead Martha!" He called, as she glanced worriedly at him from her car. "I left a bag inside! I'll catch up, you go!"

She nodded at him, rolled down the window, and blew him a kiss.

And drove away.

It took John a couple of minutes to get back in the house of drunk relatives, get the bag, and get back in the car, but he managed it, and for that he was thankful.

John got onto the road easily and the radio was on, though it wasn't playing music anymore.

_ "And now, Doctor Kitty Livingston will be answering your calls." _

He stuck his tongue out between his teeth and went to change the channel when a small voice from what he could guess was over the phone spoke.

_ "Hello?" _

_ "Hi there, I'm Kitty, and what's your name?" _

_ "My name's Philip. I'm from New York." _ John's heart immediately warmed. A kid calling up to a talk show? This should be good.

_ "You seem to be a bit younger than our usual callers, Philip. What can I help you with tonight?" _ Kitty asked.

John indicated onto the highway and couldn't see Martha. He sighed, resigned to the radio. He turned it up.

_ "I'm eight, turning nine in January. I called because dad's sad." _

_ "Oh? Why is that?" _

_ "Because of my mom." _

_ "Does he not like your mom?" _

_ "No, he likes her just fine. It's just that she's dead." _

_ "Oh, I'm very sorry Philip." _

John scoffed. "Yeah, sure you are, Kitty."

_ "It's okay. It was about a year ago now." _

_ "So, can you tell me how your dad - what was his name?" _

_ "Alex." _

_ "Can you tell me how Alex has been acting?" _

_ "Well he isn't really sleeping, and he's really quiet, and he never stops. I remember he used to talk a lot, especially to mom. Come to think of it, he never really slept when mom was alive either." _

_ "Philip, can you do something for me?" _

"Oh no," John murmured to himself.

_ "Can you put your dad on the line?" _

"Don't do it, Philip!" John yelled at the radio.

_ "No way, he'd kill me!" _ Philip protested loudly.

_ "No he won't Philip. He needs help and if he sees that you're concerned, he'll listen." _

_ "Don't listen to her! Hang up! Come on!" _

There was a long pause where John waited in anticipation.

_ "Alright." _

"No!" John hit his head on the steering wheel. "I was rooting for you! I was rooting for you, and you let me down, little man!" He glanced at the radio again, where Philip was faintly calling his dad to come to the phone because somebody wanted to talk to him. "She's using you, Philip!"

_ "Hello?" _ John stopped short at the voice. It was deep and curious and it made his breath catch in his throat.  _ "Who is it?" _

_ "Alex? This is Doctor Kitty Livingston. Your son called us because he's concerned about you." _

Philip was heard in the background, _ "Aw, Kitty, you ratted me out!" _ John chuckled.

_ "Wait, as in the radio show?" _ The voice - Alex - asked.

_ "Yes, and we're live on air." _

_ "Hey, you little munchkin. No sneaking off. You dragged me into this, so you get to suffer too." _ His voice sounded far away for a second, like he was pointing the phone away from his mouth. Alex cleared his throat. _ "What exactly is he concerned about?" _

_ "Philip said that you were sad a lot, that you don't sleep and you never stop. He says it's been like this since your wife died." _

There was a hitch of breath on the end of the line.

_ "Alex? Alex, stay with me. Did this start with your wife's death?" _

Alex's breath was shuddery. John felt bad for the man. Being forced to talk about his wife's death on the radio. John indicated into the next lane.

_ "Yeah." _ Alex said. _ "Yeah I guess it started when Eliza - my wife - got sick. It was cancer. We caught it too late and suddenly there wasn't enough time for all the things she wanted to do. She was twenty-five. Philip was seven." _

_ "Can you tell me about her?" _

_ "Eliza?" _

"Yes. Tell me about Eliza."

_ "She was the kindest person I'd ever met in my life. She was trusting and gentle and sweet and I had never met anyone like her. We dated for a while and we were so in love. I'd never felt that way before. We were sixteen, and trying things out, seeing if we fit with other people as well, but that didn't really work out. We had Philip when she was eighteen and got married the next year. We were so happy." _

John couldn't bare to wonder what it was like to lose someone you love.

_ "Can you tell me what it's been like for the past year? Looking after Philip. Has there been anyone else?" _

_ "No," _ the response was immediate, harsh.  _ "No, there was never anyone else." _

_ "Alright, well, Alex, Philip, you hold onto the phone there, don't go away, because we'll be right back." _

_ "What?" _ Alex sounded confused but Philip replied,  _ "It's okay, this is just the bit where they get listeners to call up and say what they think about your feelings." _

_ "Oh." _

John saw the turn off for a 7/11 and indicated onto the turn off.

The radio was playing in the store and the girl behind the counter was listening intently.

Kitty Livingston's voice cut the silence as John put the packet of original Doritos and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups on the counter.

_ "Caller from Texas, what do you think about Nonstop in New York?" _

_ "Well, Kitty, I was just wondering if it were possible to get this mans number-" _

The girl snorted in disgust.

"Why'd she call him that?" John asked the girl. Her name tag said Betsey Ross.

"Huh?" She looked up from chewing her gum and scanning his items.

He grabbed a can of Coke and added it to the pile. "Why's she calling Alex 'Nonstop in New York'?"

"They use the nicknames in the promos. It's easier than saying 'Alex from New York said blah blah blah'." Betsey replied. She had a thick Southern accent. "Now shush, I'm tryna listen."

He shrugged her comment off and payed ("Keep the change."), before heading back to his car in the hopes to hear Alex's voice again.

And there he was.

_ "How did you know? How did you know you were in love with her?" _

_ "In the end it was really stupid. We'd been on a few dates, and of course, we'd touched. And it was the stupidest thing. And it just happened when I was taking her hand to help her out of a car. And suddenly it was like.... Magic." _

John breathed out. The pause. Hadn't his mother said that once?

'Once you know it's them, it's like magic, John. You'll know it when you feel it.'

_ "Alex is there anything that you find is helpful nowadays, now that Eliza isn't there?" _

He sighed and John caught the end of a sentence from a small voice,  _ "Please don't cry daddy." _

_ "I think- I think I just kept reminding myself to get up in the morning, to breathe in and out. I feel like one day it'll be less of a reminder, and more of a habit. And then one day, I won't even have to think about, I won't have to doubt, getting up in the morning and breathing in and out, because eventually, Eliza will stop weighing on my heart." _

There was a silence, as though even Kitty couldn't find an opening in that. John touched his face with one hand. It was wet.

"Fuck." He swore, opening his Doritos and sitting them between his thighs.

_ "Well thank you for calling in tonight, Philip. I think this session has been particularly enlightening for our listeners. Goodnight, Nonstop in New York. _ "

John flicked the switch and changed the channel to something boppy and ate his Doritos in relative silence, thinking about Alex and Philip in New York, concerned and sad.

Thinking of how lonely they must be.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**10:31 pm, 24th of December, 2015**

Alex hugged Philip to his side and let the tears roll down his cheeks. It felt good to let go.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**12:18 pm, 25th of December, 2015**

"Were you listening to the radio last night, mon amie?" John looked up from his notes.

"Huh?" He pulled his reading glasses off and Lafayette came into focus. "Not even a 'Merry Christmas', Laf? Straight to business?"

Lafayette scoffed, taking a seat across from him and picked up John's phone. "Hey I was using that!"

"Texting Martha again? You guys  _ just _ got engaged and she's in Baltimore."

John shrugged and grabbed the phone back, turning it off and putting it in his pocket.

"I was just making sure she was okay. She wanted to get a story on the protests."

"Ah," Lafayette took out his own phone. "I see."

John replied to Martha's message with a few kissy face emojis and then turned his phone off. "What were you saying before you rudely interrupted my text conversation with my fiancé?"

Lafayette didn't look up from his phone. "Were you listening to the radio last night? The internet exploded over this kid who called up to a talk radio show because his dad was sad. They called him Nonstop in New York."

"Yeah I heard that," John replied. "This guy got dragged onto the phone and they got him to talk about his dead wife and stuff and then suddenly I was crying."

Lafayette smirked.

John grimaced. "Don't give me that look."

"I'm not giving you a look, cheri." He leaned forward on the table. "If anyone's got a look, it's you."

John leaned back in his chair and defiantly crossed his arms over his chest. "What look?"

"The look that says you're going to be completely crazy for the next few months over something and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it."

"I do not have that look on my face." John claimed and then opened the photo booth on his phone just to check. "Do I?"

He looked up and Lafayette's smirk had spread.

"Oh, fuck you, Laf."

The other man cackled.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**4:35 pm, 26th of December, 2015**

Alex put his bag down on the dining table and looked back in the entryway where an entire sack of letters sat. He was unnerved to say the least.

"Philip! Philip?" He called walking into his study and depositing his laptop there. Silence answered him.

"Philip!" He walked out, and there was no sign of his son in the kitchen or the lounge room. Or the balcony.

He ran up the stairs and into the Philip's room. Empty. And then the giant egg chair that Philip had wheedled out of Eliza at IKEA a few years ago turned around and Philip was sitting there sharing earphones with a girl.

"Hi dad." Philip said. "Do you know if you play this song backwards it says 'Paul is dead'?" The girl held up the iPod.

"Yeah, I do." Alex replied, attempting to slow his heart rate. "I used to do that with cassettes when I was your age."

"This is Theodosia," Philip said. Theodosia raised a hand in greeting.

"H-A-B." She said.

Alex blinked in confusion. "Sorry, what?"

"'Hi And Bye'." She clarified and turned the egg chair back around.

Alex sighed and left the room. At least Philip hadn't run away or something.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**8:03 pm, 27th of December, 2015**

"Stop looking at me like that!" John yelled eventually, slamming his fork down on the table. It turned a few heads. He apologised.

Lafayette laughed and took another bite of salmon. "The only reason I'm looking at you like that, mon petit tortue, is because you are out having dinner with me, on Christmas, instead of with your fiancé."

He grinned at John's dirty look. "Only because she's in Baltimore, this salmon is amazing, and you're paying." He told Lafayette.

The other man shrugged. "I heard that people have started trying to contact Nonstop in New York. Thoughts?"

"Fuck off. I have a wedding to plan. I'm not gonna pine over some guy I've never met. Plus I'm not gay."

Lafayette snorted into his glass of wine. "Tell that to Sam Seabury from College."

John gaped. "What - how do you - that didn't count!"

"You thought I was asleep? I heard every gritty detail, cheri."

John wanted to die. Instead he bit his tongue and cut another piece of salmon. "Ugh mistakes. I hate you."

"Sure you do."

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**8:15 pm, 27th of December, 2015**

"So did you give them our address?" Alex asked, adding beans to the stir fry.

Philip shrugged, opening another envelope. "I had to. Also our home phone number."

Alex sighed. "Another reason to disconnect the landline."

" _ 'Dear Nonstop in New York - Or Alex if you prefer, _

_ My name is Holly and I have never written a letter like this before.' _ Ugh, they're all the same." Philip tossed the rejected letter into the already overflowing recycling bin.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, looking over his shoulder at his son. Philip opened a new one.

"Sarah...blah blah blah....Kansas - where's Kansas?"

"Where do you think it is?"

Philip waved a hand absently. "Somewhere in the middle."

Alex laughed. "Yeah, Phil. Somewhere in the middle."

"I mean that they all start out all... What's that dwarfs name?" Philip started clicking his fingers.

"Doc? Grumpy? Sneezy? Dopey? Sleepy?" Alex supplied.

"Bashful." The boy said. "They all start out like 'I've never written a letter like this before.'"

"They're speaking their mind."

Philip ripped open another. "They're contacting a complete stranger because they're lonely and desperate. I digress."

Apex shook his head, stirring the stir fry with a wooden spatula. "I don't know where you learn words like that."

"Theodosia. And now you're doing it. One of these letters has got to be worth it, right?"

"If you say so, Phil." Alex replied. "Now can you get out some bowls? Dinner's nearly ready."

"Okay, but you gotta promise to look through these letters with me after dinner."

"Alright, Phil. I promise." Philip discarded the letter he was currently reading. "Now help me."

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**11:59 pm, 31st of December, 2015**

Martha looked great. Breathtaking perhaps. Or maybe that was too over the top. John wasn't sure. The blue dress she wore was designer, he knew that. And her hair was done by a professional, a friend of hers who did it half off.

Her arms were linked around his neck and they were swaying slowly.

"Got a resolution?" She questioned, lips near his ear. John just suppressed a shiver.

"No. Do you?"

She shook her head. "I always thought they were dumb."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

People were counting down in the background. Martha pulled out of his arms and turned towards the big screen, displaying the countdown.

"Seven! Six! Five!"

"Martha?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you love me?"

"What kind of a question is that?"

"Two! One! Happy new year!"

Martha jumped into his arms, kissing him as the ball dropped and 2016 came upon them.

He couldn't help but shake the feeling that something was wrong.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**11:59 pm, 31st of December, 2015**

"Phil? Phil, wake up, the ball's about to drop." Philip had said he wanted to stay awake for it this year, so Alex had let him, but the poor boy fell asleep on the couch.

Philip just groaned as the countdown continued. Alex lifted him up, bridal style, and carried him up the stairs to his room. He heard the tv explode with crys of 'Happy New Year!' as he tucked Philip in.

"Goodnight Philip." He kissed his son on the forehead.

"And Georges?" Philip said in his small, sleepy voice. He lifted up the bear that Peggy had given him as a birthday present many years ago.

"Good night, Georges." He kissed the bear too. Philip liked that. "Sleep well."

Alex was at the door and looked back at his son, curly hair buried in blue sheets with his dolphin night-light.

"Happy new year." He closed the door and walked back downstairs.

He turned the tv off when he was back in the living room. It was all fireworks and screaming anyway.

He sat down on the couch, looking at the beer he'd poured himself, but never got around to drinking. Alex closed his eyes.

And opened them.

"What did I always say?" She asked, picking up the glass with her long, pale fingers and sitting down on the arm of the couch. "'Here's to us'? 'Tell the story of tonight'?"

"'Raise a glass to freedom'." Alex replied, looking her dead in the eye. They were blurry. He couldn't quite recall their colour.

Eliza smiled. "Right."

"Another year and you're still gone." He told her. Her smile didn't slip.

"You knew it would be hard." She said.

"Not this hard."

"He's coping isn't he?" Her skin was blurry too. Like he couldn't quite remember her dimples, or her smile lines, or the scar over her left eye from a fight when she was younger.

"Yes. That doesn't mean he doesn't miss you. Doesn't mean that I don't miss you."

She reached out her hand, a finger ghosting over his cheek. Alex's hairs stood on end. "You'll get over me."

"There will never be another you." He told her.

"I know that. You know that. You don't care. There is someone else for you. It's just not me anymore. You've got to move on. The memory of me won't help." Eliza's smile was sad, like her smile in her final days. "You keep forgetting that I'm not really here."

Alex opened his eyes. His beer was undisturbed. The arm of the couch was unoccupied. Eliza was still dead. The weight of her still crushed his heart.

He got up to go to bed. It was no good falling asleep on the couch again.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**4:39 pm, 4th of January, 2016**

**_Martha:_ ** How do you feel about chiffon?

**_John:_ ** is that a type of fabric?

**_Martha:_** Yes. I found this cute little op-shop online and they have this wedding dress really cheap. It's chiffon and backless.

**_John:_ ** if you like it, I say buy it.

**_Martha:_** You're the best!!!

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**1:06 pm, 6th of January, 2016**

George had taken him out for lunch. Alex knew it was pity, but he went with him anyway.

George was talking about something. "Nowadays, all girls talk about is cute butts."

"Cute butts?" Alex asked, disbelieving. "How the hell does that work."

George shook his head. He was obviously just saying things that he'd heard Martha say. "God knows. I'll never understand the whims of people in the media."

Alex tapped his chin as they walked down the street. "Do I have a cute butt?" George stopped and lifted Alex's coat.

He made a thoughtful sound. "Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So what next? Cute butt and then what?"

George snorted. "And then you invite them out to look at swatches."

"Swatches?" Alex asked incredulously.

"Swatches." George confirmed, pushing open the door to a fish and chips shop.

"That's a little different from when I was a kid." Alex admitted, looking up at the menu and trying to decide between a fish fillet and chips or a burger.

"That's how we did it in my day." George told him, pulling out a twenty.

"Don't say that. It makes you sound old."

"I am old."

"Shut up! No you're not!" Alex smacked his arm, laughing, and decided on the fillet and chips.

"Yes I am."

"We're not having this discussion. Now; swatches." George nodded and ordered for them.

"Swatches. Swatches or dinner."

"Dinner I can do." Alex leaned against the counter. George laughed.

"Dinner anyone can do, Hamilton. Tell me, what's so special about you that girls should want to date you?"

Alex tapped his chin with a straw. "And guys," he said after a moment of silence.

"What?" George furrowed his eyebrows.

"And guys. Girls and guys. Like that musical, except that's  _ Guys and Dolls _ . You know what I mean right?" George opened his mouth as if to say something, and then closed it, tapping a finger over his lips.

"Sure." He said eventually, and they were handed their lunch. "My point is, get back out there. Call someone up. Meet somebody."

Alex nodded and they exited the store.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**2:07 am, 6th of January, 2016**

Martha was sound asleep so John took the chance and turned his phone on. He looked up Kitty Livingston's site and typed in "recent calls".

Alex and Philip weren't hard to find. Alexander and Philip Hamilton, from New York, New York.

Below was a transcript of the conversation and more links. John ignored them as Martha stirred next to him.

John turned off his phone and laid back down.

He'd obsess over it later.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**6:35 pm, 11th of January, 2016**

Philip blew out the candles, and smiled at Peggy. Hercules slung an arm around her shoulders, leaning lazily against her. Martha and George clapped.

"Happy birthday," Alex said, helping Philip lower the knife into the cake.

"If you touch the bottom you have to kiss the nearest girl!" Peggy shouted. Philip pulled the knife out and turned to kiss Martha on the cheek.

Alex picked up the plate and took the cake into the kitchen to finish cutting it.

It wasn’t actually Philip’s birthday, cause that was on the twenty-second. They were celebrating it now, because Hercules was in town and he’d be in Ireland over Philip’s birthday. The boy had been more than happy to have his party early.

Hercules followed him in, holding a beer.

"How've you been?" He asked conversationally as Alex cut through the fondant of the cake Peggy had made for free. It looked great.

Alex snorted. "You didn't hear? I'm the most wanted man in America."

Hercules raised an eyebrow, handing Alex a new plate. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Philip called up to a radio station talking about how mopey I'd been since Liza..." He swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. "Anyway, he had to give them our address and ever since we've been getting all these letters from desperate, single people looking for a long-term relationship.

"I see." Hercules took a sip. "And you haven't answered any of them?"

Alex shook his head ruefully, placing slices on the plates. Philip was having Theodosia over for a sleepover for the next two days and the boy was ecstatic.

"Phil and I spent a few nights opening them and reading them to each other. It got to the point when we started reading them in different voices."

"Like what?" Alex handed a plate to Hercules.

"Like Bubbles from the Powerpuff girls told me she liked long walks on the beach. The Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine wanted a strong connection with someone trustworthy like me. Jake the dog from Adventure Time says I sound lonely and that he could fix that." Hercules snorted. "It was hilarious."

"I'll take your word for it." He placed the beer on the counter and moved around plates so that Alex would have more room. Alex was reminded oddly of more domestic times in college, with both Hercules and Eliza there. Eating pizza on a bed while they watched tv, doing the dishes later, Herc's arms around her waist, her head on his shoulder, all three of them crammed into one tiny dorm-room bed.

"Are you gonna start seeing other people?"

Alex sighed. "I think so. George has talked to me about it and Phil couldn't really care less if I date somebody, so I don't think it'd be much of a problem."

Herc nodded and clapped Alex on the back. "Alright, we'll be sure to tell me if anything happens."

He picked up a bunch of plates and brought them back out to the dining room. Alex was left in the kitchen.

Hercules was the third person to encourage him to get out there. He bit his lip. Maybe it'd be nice to try it.He shook his head and smiled. For now, it was Philip's birthday, and he'd make the most of it.

-

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**1:32 am, 12th of January, 2016**

_ Google search: Alexander Hamilton _

_ Results: _

_ Alexander Hamilton Sawyer Graduates from Oxford _

_ Alexand _ **_ra_ ** _ Hamilton wins tennis match _

_ Alexander Hamilton, prodigy from the Caribbean _

_ Elizabeth Schuyler, wife to Alexander Hamilton, dies, age 25 _

 

John clicked on the last link and bit his lip, reading the article about Eliza Schuyler, and her work at a Los Angeles orphanage before her death.

The article talked about Alexander and Philip as well, her husband and son, who grieved and moved to New York.

There were several links at the bottom to other articles about Alexander and John got lost reading them, and learning about this man who'd come up from nothing and lost everything.

He got up and stood beside Laf's cubicle. "So, how hard do you think it would be to get a plane ticket to New York?"

Laf didn't even look at him. "Depends, cheri. You'd have to know where in New York to look."

John swore. "You've been monitoring my internet searches again, haven't you?"

Laf turned the screen and grinned as John cursed again. "Guilty."

"I hate you."

"You say that, but I know you don't mean it."

"I mean it." John watched Lafayette roll his eyes. "How much would it cost to fly to New York City?"

"About fifty-six dollars on average." Laf didn't look up from his computer screen.

John nodded, pursing his lips, and backing back into his cubicle.

Lafayette snorted and John chucked a crumpled up paper ball over the divider.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**1:34 am, 12th of January, 2016**

Aaron Burr, Theodosia's father, had been very stern about her bedtime and about sugar intakes and shit like that.

Alex fed them birthday cake for dinner to spite him.

Now both children were tucked in in sleeping bags on the living room floor. Alex tapped around on his laptop at the kitchen counter, where he could keep an eye on both children.

He ended up on Facebook and bit his lip as he clicked on Maria Reynolds' - Lewis again, now that she was divorced from that horrible man - profile. They'd been friends in high school and had always been close, even when he started dating Eliza.

'Hi, Lu,' he typed, reverting back to her old nickname. _ 'Alex here. I was wondering if maybe you'd be free to go out sometime in the next week maybe? Thanks.' _

Her response was almost immediate.  _ 'Long time, Hammy. Good to hear from you. Yeah, how does Wednesday sound? You're in New York, right? XD' _

_ 'I'm guessing you heard me on the radio, huh?' _

_ 'Yeah. I'm sorry to hear about Eliza. I was in San Fran at the time so I didn't know for a while. Abigail told me. I really am sorry.' _

Alex sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. _ 'Thanks. Wednesday sounds great, where do you wanna go?' _

_ 'I'll text you the name of a place and we can meet there. Sound good?' _

_ 'Sure. See you then.' _

_ 'For sure. XD' _

Alex closed his laptop and sighed again. Maria was great, Philip would be sure to like her.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**2:52 am, 12th of January, 2016**

Lafayette was just the type of person to have a working typewriter.

"Why a typewriter? Why not a laptop?" John questioned, situated behind the couch as Lafayette watched An Affair to Remember on video tape.

"I am eccentric, mon petit tortue, did you expect anything less of me?"

"Not really, I'll admit." John agreed. "So how do I start this?"

"'Dear Nonstop in New York'-"

"No, no, gotta use his first name." John muttered and the clicking of the keys began.

"Dear Alex and Philip, I heard you on the radio, and I think I've been taken aback by how honest you both were. My name is John Laurens and I am twenty-four."

"Good start," Lafayette remarked, not looking up from the tv.

"Thanks. 'I think that you both have been through enough hardships in these past few years, and adding another letter to what I'm assuming is an overflowing pile will probably be of no use to you.'"

"Good, good."

"'I believe that every day is a gift, and that we need to take it in our stride. Carpe diem, right?'"

Lafayette smirked. "Cute, John. You'll really charm them with that little Dead Poet Society quip." He clapped his hands together, making John start in his chair. "Now, ask to meet them."

"Meet them?"

"Oui, just do it, cheri."

"Alright. 'I would quite like to meet the both of you, so if you could meet me-'"

"On top of the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day." Lafayette interjected.

"No, not the Empire State Building, ack. That's so cliché." John leaned on his elbow. 

"No. 'Meet me on top of the Washington Monument on Valentine's Day, I would greatly appreciate that.'"

Lafayette nodded, eyes on the screen.

"From John." Then he made a groaning noise, pulling the paper out of the typewriter, crumpling it up, and throwing it over the couch. "God that sounds so sappy."

Lafayette picked up the scrunched ball and glanced back at John, who was thumping his head on the table. He flattened the letter out, folded it and slid it into his pocket.

"It wasn't that bad, cheri." He said.

"Yeah it was. I'm ENGAGED. Why am I attempting to contact a complete stranger?"

"Your pull for adventure and risk?" Lafayette suggested.

"Honestly, I don't even know anymore, Laf."

The other man laughed and dragged John over the back of the couch to watch with him.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**8:30 pm, 13th of January, 2016**

Theodosia and Philip and Lucy were sitting in the living room and Alex pulled on a jacket.

"You all good?" He asked for the third time.

"Yes, dad." Philip groaned jerking his controller violently. "We got it."

"Lucy, you remember how to heat up the dinner?"

"Yeah..." Lucy mumbled, not looking up from her phone.

Theodosia beat Philip's character into the ground on the screen and cheered. "'Finish him.'" She imitated.

Philip groaned in frustration and dropped his controller. "How come you keep beating me?"

"Cause I'm better than you at Mortal Kombat." She replied. Philip got up and dumped the newest letter sack over her head. Theodosia's laughter was a shriek and she started throwing letters at him.

"Don't break anything. I'll be back soon." Alex sighed and walked towards the door to get his jacket off the hook. Philip and Theodosia had found new interest in opening letters. Alex hoped to god none of them were inappropriate.

"Hey dad!" Philip rushed over to him, waving a plain white letter.

"What is it, Phil?" Philip shoved the letter into his hands and Alex opened it to read it.

"I like this one." Philip told him and Alex skimmed it.

"Dear Alex and Philip, blah blah blah, John Laurens, twenty-four, blah blah blah, hardships... Why do you like this one?"

"He quotes Dead Poet Society in it. I like him." Philip grinned. "He says he wants to meet us."

Alex handed the letter back. "That's nice, Philip, but I have a date." He ruffled Philip's hair and turned to the door. "Don't give Lucy too much grief, I'll be back soon."

Philip huffed as the door closed. "Philip?" Theodosia called and he wandered back in.

"Theo, I know what we're gonna do tonight."

"Don't Phineas and Ferb me." She replied, grinning. "What are we doing?"

Philip held up the letter. "Responding to this letter."

Lucy didn't even look up from her phone.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**8:45 pm, 13th of January, 2016**

The ring was on his bedside table. He was glaring at it like it had done him wrong. Martha must have noticed.

"What's up babe?" She asked, leaning across his lap, and looking up at him with a gentle smile. She was always gentle.

"It doesn't fit." He replied. Maybe the ring was fine and it was him who was wrong? But if that were true, then why would Martha have agreed to marry him?

She picked up the ring and turned it over in her hands. "Family heirloom?"

"Something like that." John mumbled. Martha sat all the way up and rolled it between her fingers.

"Huh." She licked the front of her teeth as she inspected the clean silver. "Is this for weddings and stuff?"

"Yeah, that's what dad said." She nodded.

"Should be an easy fix." Then she kissed him on the cheek. "Don't you worry your pretty little head over it."

She climbed back over to her side of the bed and somehow John felt colder, despite her warmth beside him.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**8:52 pm, 13th of January, 2016**

Maria was somehow almost completely unchanged from when he last saw her. Which happened to be ten years ago.

Her dark hair was pulled back into a bun, lips painted red, talking fast, laughing loud. They'd called her Hummingbird in high school.

The restaurant was a nice pick, he had to admit, an Italian place off of 5th avenue. He might have to think of taking Philip here.

"How've you been lately?" She asked when they'd been seated and had their orders taken.

"Oh yeah, good. Philip's schooling's been good and things."

She gave off waves of nervous energy. "That's great. I'd sure like to meet him. He sounds like a great kid." Maria smiled. "But I didn't ask about your son."

Alex stared at the breadsticks centrepiece.

"I asked about you. Tell me about work. Tell me about your hobbies. Did you ever finish that novel you were writing. Tell me about you."

Alex looked up and smiled at her. "You know what, that is exactly what I needed, thank you, Maria."

She beamed.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**11:49 am, 18th of January, 2016**

**_John:_ ** Did you ever buy that wedding dress?

**_Martha:_ ** Nah. Somebody else got it. Apparently it was falling to bits anyway.

**John:** Sad :(

He wasn't. Sad, that was. Sitting on a bench in a park at lunch and staring at her text, he was almost grateful she hadn't bought it.

Not because it was falling apart anyway.

Because if she bought it, it would've really solidified the engagement. The wedding. The marriage. And maybe John was just living in the moment where it hadn't been solidified yet.

Maybe John was realising that even though their relationship was two years long, maybe he was still moving too fast, not thinking it through.

John shook his head and turned off his phone. No, he was just being dumb. The only reason he was thinking like this was because of them.

Philip and Alex. Two people he had never met, wormed into his life and making him doubt.

Not Martha. He would never doubt Martha.

Doubt his decision to marry her, yes. She was perfect and lovely. And John had never been in love before, so was he really sure that this was love? Was he really sure he wanted this?

Was he just doubting himself? Is that what the smooth voice on the radio had done to him?

The voices of people ages away, the life stories of two people, grief stricken and alone, we're making him doubt his decision to marry the kindest girl he'd ever met.

John looked up and pulled his scarf tighter.

_ 'Can you tell me about her?' _

_ 'Eliza?' _

_ 'Yes. Tell me about Eliza.' _

He cupped his phone in between his frozen fingers.

_ 'She was the kindest person I'd ever met in my life. She was trusting and gentle and sweet and I had never met anyone like her.' _

Was Martha his Eliza? Were they meant to fall apart? Were they meant?

Alex had Eliza, and now Eliza was dead. God knew he probably had a new somebody, now.

Did John have a chance at the happiness that Alex had? Was John destined to lose everything as Alex had? John didn't know.

He was full of doubt now. Doubt he hadn't felt in a long time.

Maybe that was good, he thought, standing up, and crumpling the wrapper from his burger into his pocket.

Maybe that was meant.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**6:49 pm, 19th of January, 2016**

"Hi there, you must be Philip." Maria crouched down and held a hand out to Philip.

He grimaced. "No, I'm Jimmy. You have the wrong apartment."

"No you don't!" Alex rushed into the entryway and gave Philip a sharp look before looking up and smiling at Maria who'd stood up. He kissed her on the cheek. "Nice to see you again."

"You too." Alex opened the door wider for her and took her purse and her coat. "It's freezing out there, did you notice?"

"Yeah, forecast said it was gonna snow again." Maria grinned as he took her to the kitchen. Philip settled back onto the couch with the cartoons and M&M's.

"It has."

Alex glanced over at Philip, being passive-aggressive once more. "You'll ruin your appetite if you eat those. And Maria's making dinner."

Philip spitefully shoved a handful in his mouth.

Alex sighed and Maria supportively put a hand on his shoulder, smiling softly. "He'll be okay, Alex. I knew he'd probably be hard on me and I'm okay with that. I'm sure he's a great kid. And kid raised by you would be."

Alex smiled. Maria was great, he was glad she plucked up the courage to finally divorce her awful husband, James Reynolds, and she was all the better for it.

"Thanks, Maria. You want to get on to cooking? I'll show you where everything is."

She grinned. "I'd love to."

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**10:24 pm, 19th of January, 2016**

The sudden, violent ringing of John's phone wakes both him and Martha, who was lying half on top of him so when she sat up, she managed to head butt his chin.

He groaned in pain and Martha sleepily rubbed it, apologised, rolled over again and fell back asleep.

John sat up and picked up the phone, sliding the 'Answer' bar across the screen.

"Hello?" He asked, his voice croaky.

"John? Go downstairs and turn on the radio! It's the kid! Nonstop in New York's kid!" Lafayette was speaking excitedly. John got up and yawned as he climbed downstairs. He hung up on Lafayette. He didn't need the commentary.

The radio above the microwave was already set to the station so it was almost immediate hearing Philip's voice.

_ "-I just called up to ask what a sock on the door-handle means?" _

_ "Oh Philip. Has your father been seeing someone recently?" _

_ "Yeah, her name’s Maria." _

_ "Do you like her?" _

_ "No, she laughs like a hyena." _

_ "Philip, as long as your father is happy with her, I'm sure she can't be that bad." _

_ "You don't know, Kitty! She made dinner for us tonight and practically brought a suitcase over!" _

_ "Philip please calm down. I'm sure she's a lovely woman." _

_ "She's not! My dad always said that a sock on the door-handle meant do not disturb, but Maria's in there with him!" _

"Oh Philip," John murmured, leaning against the island bench.

_ "Philip, it doesn't matter-" _

_ "I should've known you wouldn't help me!" _ There was a long tone, signifying that Philip had hung up.

A cold hand closed over his shoulder. John screamed.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**10:25 pm, 19th of January, 2016**

Philip put the phone back, ran into his room and screamed.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**10:26 pm, 19th of January, 2016**

He turned and Martha was standing there. "Mr Green, in the kitchen, with the radio!" She proclaimed sleepily, grinning, eyes unfocused.

"You scared the shit out of me Martha." He told her, a hand still resting over his heart. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

She smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. I just heard yelling, and I got a bit worried."

"It's fine," John turned off the radio, trying not to think about Alex dating some woman. "Let's just go back to bed."

She nodded and took his hand, leading him back up the stairs.

"Oh and by the way, if I was a Cluedo character, I'd be Professor Plum."

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**10:26 pm, 19th of January, 2016**

"Philip you scared me!" Alex yelled, pacing shortly in the doorway of his bedroom. Maria was behind him, looking slightly panicked, her red lipstick smeared and her blouse unbuttoned.

"I'm sorry. I thought I saw a raccoon at my window and I was scared." Philip replied, hugging Georges to his chest.

Alex turned to Maria and bit his lip. She smiled lightly at him, "I'll give you two a minute." She closed the door behind her.

Alex went to sit down on Philip's bed. "What was that really about?"

Philip didn't look at him. "I don't like her."

Alex sighed, hands over his eyes. "I'm sorry that you don't like her, but I think I'm allowed to date."

"She's not mommy."

Alex breath cut off. He turned to Philip who looked like he was going to cry. "I know she isn't, Philip. Because mommy's gone. You said you wanted me to get out there again."

Philip released Georges from his hold and pulled a crumpled letter from under his pillow and shoved it in Alex's face. "Not with Maria! With John! John's nice! He wants to meet us!"

"Maria's nice, isn't she?" Alex stood. Philip followed suit.

"She's not mommy and she's not John!"

"Well mommy's dead and we don't know John!"

Philip flinched. Alex backtracked.

The boy’s eyes filled with tears and the letter crumpled in his hand. He stepped back into the bed and sobbed.

"No, Philip, I-"

"Get out."

"Philip-" Alex put a hand out, a comforting gesture, but Philip flinched again and retreated further onto the bed.

"Get out!"

Alex backed out of the room as Philip curled up in the corner of his pillows, clutching Georges to his chest and staring at the photo of his mother on the bedside table.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**2:38 pm, 21st of January, 2016**

"Laf?"

"What?" Lafayette sounded half dead, which was disappointing.

"How soon can you get me plane tickets to New York?"

Lafayette leaned out of his cubicle and stared at John. "You're really doing this then, oui?"

"Really."

"Even though petit Philipe says that Alexander is dating somebody?"

"Yes."

Lafayette leaned back in and a few minutes later, handed John a sticky-note with times and flights.

"Take the subject of leave up with Jefferson." Lafayette's thumb jerked towards the office at the end of the cubicles.

"Nah," John shuddered. "I'll tell him that I want to get a story on the radio shows there."

"Sloppy alibi. Might wanna work on that. At least do a story on something that will be good while you stalk your Nonstop man."

John rolled his eyes and stuck the sticky-note to his computer monitor.

The flight was easy to book, leaving early the next morning, and booked a flight back for the day after.

Now all he had to do was convince his boss to let him go.

Lafayette gave him a semi-encouraging thumbs up when he got up to try and reason with Thomas Jefferson.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**11:13 am, 22nd of January, 2016**

"I'll be back around mid-February." She kissed Alex lightly on the cheek and crouched down to shake Philip's hand. He reluctantly obliged her. "Feel free to come visit me. Don't miss me too much."

"We won't," Alex replied and watched her get onto the plane. Philip was climbing all over the metal divider. Once Maria was gone he leant against the bar, and sighed deeply.

"You really don't like her, do you?" He asked. Philip stopped hanging off the bar with just his legs and sat up next to his father.

There was an uncomfortable amount of space between them. Alex didn't like how cold Philip was being to him since the night Maria met Philip. Even though he deserved it.

Philip didn't respond to him.

"Phil, I'm sorry for yelling at you and making you cry."

Philip huffed, crossing his arms and curling a leg around one of the supporting poles. "And?"

"For being rude about mommy and John."

"And?"

Alex turned to his son. "And....?"

Philip stared at him, face blank. And burst out laughing. "Just kidding. That's it. You're forgiven."

Alex sighed in relief and pulled the boy into a hug.

"Flight from Charlotte now exiting."

Philip pulled away and jumped down from the barrier. "Can we go get froyo? For my birthday?"

It was his birthday. He could hardly deny him that. "Okay, Phil."

"Why do you want to date her? You're obviously not perfect for each other." Philip's attention span was very small. Alex hoped it would get bigger.

The flight that was exiting was right beside where Maria's flight had boarded.

"It's not about perfection. I'm not looking for perfection. There's no such thing as a perfect..." A man in the crowd who stopped to stuff his laptop in his bag caught Alex's eye.

He was gorgeous, dark curls pulled into a ponytail, grey eyes, an expanse of freckles over his face and arms.

Philip was saying something about froyo, and something about coffee flavour but Alex was enraptured by this man. They locked eyes for a split second and the man grinned at him, friendly, before turning away and blending into the crowd. Alex felt his face flush and he looked down at Philip who was tugging on the sleeve of his sweater that was peeking out from his jacket.

"Are we going now?"

Alex shook his head to clear the fog. "Yeah. Let's go."

He tried to find the man again, grey eyes, coffee hair, but he'd been engulfed by the crowd. Alex sighed.

"I was talking to Theodosia about reincarnation and she said that you and John knew each other in another life, but you didn't get together. So you're spending this life skirting around the edges of each other, and when you meet you'll fit together like puzzle pieces."

Alex cocked an eyebrow at Philip. "Theodosia's been saying this stuff?"

"Yep. I know this because I'm young and pure and more in tune with the mystical forces."

Alex snorted. "Well I sure hope you're not marrying Theodosia."

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**11:43 am, 22nd of January, 2016**

John had gotten lost several times before actually getting outside to the taxi's. Then he had a bit of trouble telling the cabbie where to take him, because John didn't know New York.

Eventually he made it to a nice looking apartment block and got out, thanking the driver and paying before walking up to the front.

It was a buzz-in. John didn't think he could do that. He didn't know what he'd say.

'Hi, I heard you on the radio and tracked you down with much difficulty from my boss and my fiancé.'

Yeah. That would work. That'd be tasteful and romantic.

The doors opened and John backed away from the two exiting, a small boy and a man with long hair who was hunched over, trying to zip up his jacket. They didn't see him.

"Pa, I got it." The little boy reached over and zipped it up to the man’s rib cage.

"Thanks Phil," the man replied, ruffling the boy’s hair and zipping it up fully.

He took the boy’s hand and they began walking down the street.

What were the odds that there were two small boys called Phil in that apartment building?

John couldn't help but follow them.

Into a frozen yogurt shop. The guy behind the counter recognised the two and smiled at Philip.

"Hey Philip, my man," he held out his fist for a fist bump and Philip gave it to him. 

"Alex."

"Maddy. How's it?" The man leaned against the counter, looking relaxed.

Philip ran off to the yogurt machines and John pretended to be interested in a poster on the wall.

"All good. What about you? Heard you went out with Maria."

The man - who John now had reason to believe was Alexander Hamilton - sighed. "I thought this city was big enough that nobody knew anything about me."

"Word gets around man," the other guy said and walked over to the topping station where Philip was attempting to put fifty gummy-bears on his yogurt.

Alex stopped him.

_ Maria. _

John winced, recalling the late-night radio mishap.

_ 'Oh Philip. Has your father been seeing someone recently?' _

_ 'Yeah, her name’s Maria.' _

_ 'Do you like her?' _

_ 'No, she laughs like a hyena.' _

John exited the shop and leaned against the wall.

The man and the boy who'd smiled at him at the airport were Alex and Philip. What were the chances?

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**11:51 am, 22nd of January, 2016**

Peggy entered the shop when Alex and Philip had settled in their booth. 

Unsurprisingly, Philip's red velvet froyo had plastered itself all around his mouth so when he went running at Peggy she stopped him before he squashed his face into her coat.

"Whoa there, little man. Watch the schmooze you got there." She took a napkin from the counter and wiped his face, knowing that it didn't do any good. It'd be just as dirty in a minute or so.

He pulled her back to the booth and sat her down on his side of the booth. Alex was texting when they got there.

"Who you texting, lover boy?" She drawled and Alex quickly looked up, blushing.

"Maria's taking off. She was saying she'd text later."

Peggy raised a eyebrow, smirking. "Who's Maria?"

"She's awful." Philip mumbled into his gummy bears.

Alex sighed. "She's not awful. She's not." It seemed like he was pleading with the boy. "She's just new."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Alex was looking down at his phone again. Peggy leaned over the sticky table and clicked her fingers in front of his face. "Oh Lover Boy?" She said in a sing-song voice.

Alex looked up again. "She's my girlfriend."

"And she's awful." Philip said again.

"Philip," Alex snapped sharply.

Peggy shook her head, patting Philip's hair down. "No it's okay, it happens a lot.  Stephen said almost the same thing when his mom remarried."

"Didn't know you and Stephen were still together." Alex's face softened and Peggy mentally high-fived herself.

She snorted and swiped a finger through Philip's red velvet froyo, lifting it to her mouth with a smile when he protested. "Yeah, he's in Germany right now." Peggy's face looked thoughtful. "I think I'll ask him to marry me when he comes home."

Alex smiled, setting his phone down. "Wow, big step. Nice work, Pegs." He fist bumped her.

"I like Stephen." Philip said.

"I'm glad, buddy. I think he likes you too." Peggy glanced over his shoulder and frowned, standing up. "Who's that?"

"Huh?" Alex turned around and saw a man standing across the road outside the frozen yogurt shop, staring at them. He got up and exited the shop, standing opposite the man.

He noticed Alex looking at him and seemed to flush, though Alex couldn't really tell.

"Hello," he called. The man looked familiar.

"Hello," the man said in return. 

Alex heard the shop bell ring and Peggy and Philip emerged, Philip mumbling about trying to put on his coat while holding his froyo. Peggy wiped his face again.

She stood up and took Alex's hand. The man blanched, and stepped forward, onto the road, as if to cross it, but the sudden blaring of a car horn broke them both from each other's eyes, gazing at the taxi that stops mere centimetres from the man.

He looked shocked, glancing back quickly at the three on the sidewalk, before turning and running up onto the sidewalk, and around a corner.

Peggy huffed beside him, pulling her hand out of his and wiping it on her coat. "What was that about?"

"I have no idea," Alex replied.

"Well, your hand is clammy as fu- er... crap, so it was obviously something." She glanced quickly at Philip who was focused on putting his coat on while trying not to spill his froyo.

"I feel like I've seen him before." Alex murmured.

"Who?" Philip asked, looking up, finished in his task.

"The man who was standing across the road, just before."

"Is that why we rushed outta the shop? I didn't get to tip Madison!"

Philip scowled at them.

Peggy laughed.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**12:17 pm, 22nd of January, 2016**

"And you say he was with a woman, oui?"

"Yes, Laf." John replied, rubbing his face. "I've said it three times now."

Lafayette made a humming noise on the other end of the phone. "Well, chances are very high that the woman was his girlfriend. Maria was it?"

"Yeah. Maria. She was holding his hand." He leant back against the hotel pillows and sighed. The clouds were grey and letting wet snow drift down to the streets. It was like it was trying really hard to rain, but couldn't make the snow melt enough. It left wet patches on the window nonetheless.

"Is that so bad, cheri? She is entitled to it, as his significant other. And if he didn't pull away, that would indicate that he was not uncomfortable."

"I just don't know why I'm so obsessed with having him for myself. I mean, I'm engaged, and he's dating somebody, and we don't know each other, so why on earth am I pushing this?" Lafayette made an exasperated sound. "Why did you let me push it?"

"I indulge you. Simple as that, tortue."

John worked a curl around his finger. "As far as I knew, up until now, I wasn't gay."

The Frenchman snorted. "Yes. You are the straightest, macho-ist turtle in the pond."

"Fuck off," John laughed. Lafayette chuckled on the other end.

"How did I get here?"

"You told a lie and got on a plane, cheri."

"That's not what I mean, you know what I mean."

"Hmph. Now that you've had your little adventure, when are you coming home? I know you've only been gone a few hours, but Martha and I already miss you."

"I'll be home soon. You won't have to miss me for too long."

"But how soon, cheri?"

John laughed at Lafayette's whining tone. "Tomorrow, probably, if this snow lets up."

"Then let us hope it does, mon petit tortue." John nodded, though he knew Lafayette couldn't see him. "Let us hope."

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**7:28 pm, 22nd of January, 2016**

"C'mon Alex," Peggy whined, leaning on the counter beside him as he fried bacon for the carbonara. "You gotta tell me what's up with those letters."

"They're all really dumb." Philip said from the island bench.

"You weren't saying that the other day." Alex commented. He didn't even look up from the pan.

Philip scowled a him. "I was only talking about one letter."

"Oh yeah," Alex laughed. "Philip's obsessed with this one guy who wrote me. He wants to meet us on top of the Washington Monument."

"It's like that movie. An Affair to Remember. Except that's the Empire State Building." Peggy commented, picking her nails.

Alex shook his head. "Never seen it."

"Aw, c'mon it's a classic. Cary Grant. Deborah Kerr. Car? Or Kurr? I can never remember how it's pronounced."

Alex snorted, "Still never seen it."

Peggy sighed. "It's classic. It's romantic. Either it's a coincidence, or this guy who wrote you is a hopeless romantic." She swiped in and stole a fried bit of bacon from the pan. He gave her a stern look and she grinned. "The forbidden fruit tastes much sweeter than that which is served."

Then she slumped back against the counter. "Still," Peggy told him. "I wish Stephen did shit like that for me. But he's always busy. Never has the time. Maybe one day I'll get him to take a day off."

Alex shrugged and poured the sauce into the bacon pan.

"Anyway, about your mystery froyo man. What was up with that?"

He licked his lips, watching the sauce sizzle as he mixed it with the bacon. And tried to explain.

"So you saw him in the airport and then here?"

"And I tried to talk to him then and I lost him and then now he just ran away. He keeps turning up."

"Like déjà-vu?" Philip was colouring now.

"Yeah, like déjà-vu."

"Well at least you're seeing people again." Peggy reasoned, bumping his shoulder.

"Wrong. I'm seeing the same person over and over again." She laughed.

"That's something, you gotta admit."

"I won't deny that." He replied. "It's just weird."

"When has anything in your life not been weird?"

Philip laughed. "She's right, pa. you're a weirdo."

"Oh, shut up 'Young and Pure and More In Touch With the Mystical Forces'."

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**8:51 pm, 23rd of January, 2016**

"So," Lafayette lifted John's duffle bag out of the trunk and swung it over his shoulder. "I know we talked about it over the phone, but how'd it go?"

"It was a stupid mistake Laf," John told him, opening his apartment door to let his friend in. "I shouldn't have done it."

"What exactly did you do that was so bad?" Lafayette flicked on the lights and John shook the snow out of his hair as he closed the door behind him.

"It was so stupid. I felt so stupid. It felt like I was walking around naked. I was just standing there in the middle of the road."

"You were just standing in the street?" Lafayette sounded surprised. He set John's duffel bag down on the couch.

"I almost got myself hit by a taxi." At that Lafayette snorted.

"But he saw you, yes? You were face to face? You spoke?" John locked his lips.

"He said 'hello'."

"He said 'hello'. What did you say?" He felt his cheeks heat up.

"All I could say was 'hello'."

Lafayette didn't say anything. John looked up. He looked surprised.

"What?"

"Mon dieu." He rushed to the tv and turned on the video player.

"You were watching An Affair To Remember in my house while I was gone?"

"Shut up, cheri. This is important." The Frenchman fast-forwarded through the movie and then pressed play.

'All I could say was hello.' Deborah Kerr said on screen.

"It's a sign, mon petit tortue!" Lafayette exclaimed.

"It's a sign that I have watched this movie too many times!" John ripped the video tape out of the player and tossed it in the bin. Lafayette swore behind him. 

John caught sight of the small pile of mail on the dining table and picked through it. One caught his eye. "What's this?" John asked, lifting it up for Lafayette to see.

The rare sight of Lafayette blushing came into view. John felt angry.

"This is from Seattle."

The address on the letter was printed in careful, yet messy script.

"Laf..."

"So I mailed your letter." The Frenchman said. John opened the envelope.

"'Dear John. Thanks for your letter. It was great. You sound neat. We're very excited to meet you in Washington on Valentine's Day and seeing if we are... MFEO. Seeya soon, Nonstop in New York." John breathed out slowly.

"...MFEO?" Lafayette's eyes crinkled when he looked confused.

"Made for each other. Oh my god." John crumpled up the letter and threw it in the bin, on top of An Affair To Remember.

"So he is not a gifted writer." Lafayette tried to reason. John didn't want to hear it.

"But he is! Have you seen the articles? This man is a genius! So why does this letter read like it was written by a horde of eleven year-olds?" He threw his coat over a chair.

"Because he has a nine year-old son? Who, let's be honest, is incredibly impulsive from what we've heard on the radio." John turned.

"You're saying Philip may have written this?"

Lafayette shrugged. "Considering that Alex is currently in a relationship and Philip would not know how to write very well, I'm saying it's entirely possible."

John slumped into a chair. "Whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm over this." He rubbed his hands over his eyes. "Nonstop in New York is out of my blood."

Lafayette didn't say a word.

"Nonstop in New York is history."

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**8:37 pm, 29th of January, 2016**

**_Maria:_ ** hey sweetheart.

**_Alex:_ ** hey. How are you?

**_Maria:_ ** good. Did you know that it rains nine months of the year in Seattle?

**_Alex:_ ** I did not. The more you know, right?

**_Maria:_ ** right. Hey so I was thinking, it's coming up to the Valentine's Day weekend and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come visit me up here? Without Philip. We could spend some time together.

**_Alex:_ ** that sounds great. I'll arrange a babysitter.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**9:36 pm, 29th of January, 2016**

Martha was asleep. She'd had a migraine earlier and had to take meds.

John had noticed that whenever she wasn't sleeping normally, he couldn't sleep. He wasn't asleep. He hadn't slept since he'd given up on Alex.

John got up and pulled on a t-shirt before going downstairs and into the kitchen. He played idly with the idea of calling Lafayette, but honestly he'd probably kill him if he did.

Instead John flicked on the radio on. It was on low volume. John thanked God for that.

"And now to hear some of your favourites from Dr Kitty Livingston's talk show."

John sighed and picked up a Granny Smith apple and a knife.

"Marooned in Miami-"

"He says he doesn't love me anymore."

"Then why stay with him?"

John started peeling the apple; he'd always hated the skins.

"Disappointed in Denver-"

"Every time I'm really close he gets up and goes to make himself a sandwich."

He snorted. The skin came off in a spiral.

"Why don't you make him a sandwich beforehand?"

"Nonstop in New York-"

John bit his lip and cut the peel off, biting into the apple.

"How did you know? How did you know you were in love with her?"

"In the end it was really stupid. We'd been on a few dates, and, of course, we'd touched. And it was the stupidest thing. And it just happened when I was taking her hand to help her out of a car. And suddenly it was like.... Magic."

John set the knife down on the counter and leaned his hip against it.

No matter how long he tried to avoid him, Alex always turned up.

John almost hoped that Martha would appear in the doorway and usher him back to bed. He knew she wouldn't. She was under.

John flicked the radio off and ate another bite of apple.

Tried not to feel bitter.

Felt tears prick at his eyes anyway.

Magic.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**11:02 pm, 29th of January, 2016**

"Mommy! Mommy!"

Alex sat up quickly and didn't give himself time to wake up as he tugged some sweatpants on over his boxer shorts and rushed to Philip's room.

His screams had changed. "Daddy!"

"I'm coming, Philip!" He called and ran into his son’s room. Philip was in a mess of sheets and his face was tear-streaked. "Oh, baby."

Alex sat down on his bed and pulled Philip into his lap.

"What was that about, Phil?" Philip sobbed into Alex's shirt.

"Our house was sinking. Water was coming in the windows. I couldn't find you or mommy and I was scared."

"I'm okay. We're okay, I swear." Alex rocked him, kissing the top of his head.

After a while Philip quietened.

And then-

"What do you think happens to people after they die?"

Alex blanched.

"I never believed in a god, or a heaven," he said. Philip rubbed his head against Alex's chest. He didn't say anything. "And in those last few days with your mom, I prayed for him to save her. I was met with nothing but indifference."

"I don't remember her very well," the small boy told him. "I wish I did. Sometimes I forget what she looks like."

"You loved her, and she loved you too. Desperately. She would do anything to protect you." Alex told him, stroking his hair, curly, and chestnut brown, so unlike his or Eliza's.

"Tell me about her." Philip commanded. Alex couldn't help but indulge him.

"She could peel an apple in one long curly strip. The whole apple." Philip laughed.

"That's weird, pa."

"She was weird. So are you. It's in your DNA." Philip pulled back from him, his eyes puffy, an indent in his face that looked like the side-seam of Alex's t-shirt.

"She's always here with you, you know."

"Are you gonna say something sappy like 'in your heart'?" Philip asked.

Alex snorted. "You can park your snark at the gate, little-man." He sobered a bit. "But yeah. She loved you so much, she's always with you."

Philip hugged him around the neck. "Thank you, pa."

"I love you Philip." Alex told him.

Philip reached behind him and produced his bear. "And Georges?"

"And Georges." Alex agreed

"I love you too, and I'm not just saying that, I swear."

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**1:42 pm, 4th of February, 2016**

"What do you think of this flower arrangement?" Martha asked him and John turned to look at the vase she was inspecting.

He squinted. "Are those lilies?"

She ground her teeth together. "They're hydrangeas."

"No. I don't like it."

"Good, neither do I." She tapped her lips with the tips of her middle and pointer fingers.

"Then why'd you ask?"

"Just in case you did like it. I'd live with it if you did." Martha tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Well I don't. So now you don't have to live god-awful hydrangeas at our wedding." He took her waist and pulled her to him, kissing her on the head. The flower shop was empty. There was no one there to judge them silently.

"John?"

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say that ever since Christmas you've been a little distant. A little distracted. And we haven't... You know, been intimate together since then, and I wanted to say that it feels like you're coming back to me now. And I wanted to say that I'm really happy about that." She blushed and looked away.

"Martha," John said lightly, and when she finally looked at him again, he tipped her chin up and kissed her.

She sighed into the kiss, melting into his arms.

And despite how right it was - and God was it right, he wasn't thinking about Alex anymore; just Martha, always Martha - there was something missing. He'd never tell her, and he'd never know what it was, but it was prominent, and it left him confused.

John pulled away from the dissatisfying kiss and turned to look at other arrangements.

"C'mon, Laf's meeting us for dinner."

He took Martha's hand and led her through the shop.

It's a sign.

John had never believed in signs.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**3:22 pm, 9th of February, 2016**

"Theo, honey, I'm gonna go get groceries, and I'll be out for a while, so I need you to hold the fort for a bit, okay?" Aaron said from the entryway.

Theodosia lived in a house near the harbour. "Okay daddy."

"You and Philip will be okay, yeah?"

"Yeah, daddy."

Aaron walked out and Theodosia waited probably ten seconds before looking over her shoulder, whispering, "C'mon," and dragging Philip into her father's study.

"What are we doing?" He asked her.

"Booking you a plane ticket, duh," Theodosia replied. Her hair was up in a puffball on her head and she looked very stern as she took a seat at Aaron's desk and woke up his computer.

Apparently, since her dad was a flight consultant, she knew how to book flights very well.

"How much money do you have?" Theodosia asked him at one point.

"80 dollars." Philip replied, proudly.

"I have 42. That'll probably cover taxi fares." She was a smart girl, top of their maths class.

"Do you want a window or aisle seat?"

"Window, duh." She smiled at him and tapped it in.

"I'm telling them you're twelve, so you can fly unaccompanied."

"Who'd believe I'm twelve?" Philip was disbelieving; he knew he was short for his age.

"If it's in the computer, they'll believe anything." Theodosia told him, matter-of-factly.

She pressed enter and printed out a copy for him. "Put that in your backpack while I delete the last fifteen minutes of internet history. Daddy taught me how to do that."

Philip did as she said and by the time Philip got back, everything was back the way they found it, from the tilt of the chair to the placing of the cursor.

"And now, nobody needs to know." They grinned at each other.

He was going to meet John Laurens soon.

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**4:51 pm, 11th of February, 2016**

John hadn't spoken to his father since Christmas Eve.

He almost didn't want to pick up the phone.

He picked it up anyway.

"Dad?"

_ "Jack." _

He almost winced. Almost. Their relationship had never been very solid. Martha had really brought them closer together.

John hated that.

"Hi dad."

_ "We haven't spoken since Christmas, I wanted to catch up." _

Bullshit. His father wanted to hear the juicy details.  _ When's the wedding? When are you expecting your first child? When should I come down to see you? _ John knew it all too well.

"Everything's going fine dad. How's it at your end?"

_ "Oh, all fine, all fine, yes. Martha and James are doing well and your mother's started sewing more blankets. I don't know what on earth we'll do with them all." _

John knew it was a ploy. His mother had always started knitting baby blankets whenever people got together. The present from them at his cousin’s wedding was a pile of different coloured baby blankets.

Did he honestly think John was that dumb?

"Give them to the homeless?" He suggested. He could feel his father’s waning sense of tolerance from there.

His father laughed shortly. _ "Very funny, Jack. I think we'll give them to you and Martha next time we're down there." _

John rolled his eyes. "That sounds great."

_ "Good, good." _

Martha walked into the apartment, fresh snow in her dark hair.

"Right, well, I need to go now dad."

_ "What? But we just started talking." _

Martha looked up, unwinding her scarf from around her neck.

"I know but Martha just got home and I need to get onto dinner."

_ "Ah, yes. Dinner. Alright then, Jack, I'll leave you to it." _ John ignored his father's knowing tone.

"Thanks for calling. Bye dad."

_ "Bye Jack." _

John hung up before his dad could pin something on the end.

He sighed in relief and sagged against the wall. Martha walked past him and into the kitchen.

"So your dad called." She said, conversationally, turning on the oven and pulling a pan out of the cupboards.

"Yeah. Trying to convince me to take the millions of baby blankets my mom's making."

She dropped the pan. It clattered to the ground loudly and they both winced. Martha crouched down and picked it back up, gingerly. "Baby blankets?"

He nodded. "Yeah, my mom's obsessed with having grandkids and I'm pretty sure dad just lives vicariously through me and my siblings."

She nodded and started pulling potatoes out of the cupboard. "Right. Okay then."

"Are you okay? You looked really shocked."

Martha nodded again and smiled. And then gave up. "Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just, it was a little surprising, you know, babies."

John rubbed the back of his head. "I guess."

"I mean, have you thought about it? Having a kid somewhere down the line?" She looked a bit frantic, he had to admit.

"Not really."

"It's scary, really, I mean." Martha turned from her place at the stove, placing potatoes on a pan. Only then did John recognise the true panic in her eyes. "It's a bit early to think about it, isn't it?"

John placed a hand on her shoulder and pulled her into a hug. "Yeah it is. Look I'll keep him away. We don't have to think about kids for a long time."

She hummed.

"Sound good?"

Martha nodded.

He released her. "What do you need me to do?"

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**10:31 pm, 12th of February, 2016**

_ "You have a funny accent, Nash. Where you from?" _ Philip imitated.

_ "Lots of different places," _ Alex replied.

Philip giggled. "You do the accent well."

He shrugged. "It's like a mix of Russian and Scottish. It's a synch."

"For you maybe," Philip took another handful of popcorn, before looking back at the screen.

Philip had requested to watch Highlander for movie night and Alex didn't have a problem with that, just planned to fast-forward through the sex-scene. "It's really hard for me."

"Suck it," and Philip burst into giggles, throwing popcorn at him. "You're cleaning this up later, little-man." Alex warned. Philip threw another handful in Alex's face.

"Touché," he said and turned back to the tv.

It was a long time before Philip spoke again and even then it was just, "This isn't a very accurate representation of sword fighting, is it?"

"I think you'll find it is, actually." Alex replied and dug a hand into the bowl.

"Huh," Philip said and fell back into the silence for the rest of the movie.

In the end, he didn't have to fast-forward through the sex scene because Philip fell asleep before it happened.

Instead he carried Philip up to his room and tucked him in, kissing both him and Georges goodnight, and shutting the door.

"I have something to say," the Kurgan yelled from downstairs.

_ It's better to burn out than fade away. _

-

**Charlotte, South Carolina, USA**

**9:20 am, 13th of February, 2016**

Martha had always hated turbulence. John squeezed her hand again.

"How about a dog?" He asked her, trying to distract her.

"Huh?" Martha's face was white.

"You said you didn't want to talk about kids. What about a dog?" She wound a hand into his hair. He knew she wouldn't pull it. She just wanted something to hold.

Currently, both his hands were occupied.

"Depends on the type of dog. It's gotta be fluffy and won't run away."

John laughed and watched her ease up a bit. "That's oddly specific." He commented.

Martha made a face as the plane levelled out. "I had a dog when I was a kid. It ran out into the road while I was trying to take it home and got hit by a car."

"Jesus."

"Yeah." Martha released his hand and his hair as the seatbelt light turned off. "Thank god."

"So like a husky or something?" John suggested.

"Maybe. I've seen pictures on the Internet and I kinda want one that looks like a teddy-bear." He smiled at her.

"Cool," flight attendants started walking up and down the aisles. John ordered some water. Martha didn't ask for anything, just looked out the window.

"Maybe we should start thinking about who we're inviting to the wedding." He said, opening his water bottle.

"Yeah, sounds good," Martha murmured and continued gazing at the clouds.

John sighed, and took out his laptop. She wasn't going to pay him any attention until the plane landed, that was usually how it went.

He just hoped they got to DC soon.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**12:51 pm, 13th of February, USA**

Alex was in his room folding shirts when he noticed Philip standing in the doorway. 

"Hey little-man. What's up?"

"Where are you going?" Philip demanded.

"Seattle."

"Are you going with her?" Philip asked from his place by the door. He looked absolutely stormy.

"Am I going with Maria?" Alex replied, clarifying.

"Yes." His lips barely moved.

"Yes I am." He turned back to his suitcase.

"Oh, great." Alex had no idea when Philip had picked up sarcasm, but he sure was using it a lot.

"Is this about the guy from Charlotte?" Alex asked him, turning to his chest of draws.

"John." Philip said, a sharpness to his voice.

"Is it?" Alex asked him. "Is this about John, from South Carolina?"

"Yes."

"That's just great." He rubbed his temples. "Philip, I've already told you, I'm dating Maria."

"Fine! I don't care what you do!" The boy stomped out of the room. Alex rolled his eyes. It was about time that he started fighting with him. Alex almost didn't have it in him to be surprised.

"That's great ‘cause it's none of your business! I'll tell you what I'm doing this weekend, I'm getting laid. Haven't been laid that much for a while, anyway. A few people in college, Eliza, Herc... How long have you been standing there?" Philip was clutching a crumpled piece of paper in his fist this time.

"Forever." He spat. Alex didn't know why this was pissing him off so much.

"What did you hear me say?" Alex demanded.

"'A few people in college, Eliza, Herc'." Philip imitated his tone.

"Look, that doesn't mean anything-"

"THIS IS THE ONE I LIKE! I LIKE JOHN!" Philip yelled, holding out the scrunched up letter.

"How do you know that? You haven't met him! You're not going to like anyone because they're not your mother!" He didn't want to fight, but Philip wasn't giving him much of a choice.

"I STILL LIKE HIM!" The letter floated to the carpet as Philip released it.

"THERE IS NO WAY WE ARE GETTING ON A PLANE TO GO AND MEET SOME GUY WHO COULD BE A CRAZED LUNATIC OR SOMETHING. DIDN'T YOU SEE 'FATAL ATTRACTION'?" The calm was leaving Alex as he shouted

"YOU WOULDN'T LET ME."

"WELL I DID AND IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME, IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY MAN IN AMERICA." He snapped his suitcase closed and watched Philip jump at the sharp noise.

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER!"

"SO WHY DOES JOHN LAURENS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA MATTER?" Alex yelled, scooping up the letter.

"I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" The boy screamed, running to his room and slamming the door.

Alex sat down on his bed, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes to calm himself. It wasn't Philip's fault.

He didn't exactly want to leave him alone for a weekend after an outburst like that, but he had already booked the flight.

He actually did like the letter, it had a lot of character, and he could certainly see, from a writer's perspective, the nervousness channeled into it, guilt, the desperation.

John sounded great. But he was with Maria. Why the hell should some guy from South Carolina change that?

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**3:42 pm, 13th of February, 2016**

The shop windows were red and pink. There were hearts and teddy-bears - and sometimes both at the same time - everywhere. They'd already been to the hotel to drop off their stuff, and now they were just window shopping and waiting until dinner time.

The Washington Monument towered in the distance and reminded him that somewhere, there was a kid who believed he would meet him up there.

John shook away the thought. He'd given up on that. He already had all that he needed. Why ruin that?

His phone chimed and Martha didn't glance away from the purses in the shop window she was inspecting.

**_Laf:_ ** I know you said you weren't going to, but I'll remind you that tomorrow petit Philipe will be expecting you on top of the Monument.

**_John:_ ** thanks. I'm trying to have a nice weekend with my fiancé. I'll think about making a little boy feel sad later.

**_Laf:_ ** you're very mean when you're feeling sad, mom ami

**_John:_ ** I'm very mean all the time it's just sometimes I'm less mean.

John didn't want to sound bitter, but it was the only feeling he had left to share.

He couldn't help but wonder if this was his magic.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**9:04 am, 14th of February, 2016**

Lucy walked in after Alex pulled the door open. She looked as bored as ever. He almost couldn't believe that he was paying her fifteen dollars an hour.

"Philip, Lucy's here, so I'm gonna leave soon!" He called, expecting an answer. There was a part of him that was unsurprised when he received no response. Even when he was angry with him, Philip always said goodbye. "Phil!"

Lucy set her bag down on the couch and glanced up from her phone for a second.

Alex walked up the stairs. "Philip, I know you're still mad at me, and we'll talk about this when I get back," he wasn't in the bathroom and he wasn't out on the balcony. 

"But right now I need you to answer me."

Lucy had followed him up the stairs. Philip's room was almost completely untouched. He turned the egg chair just in case. It was empty this time.

Alex stopped dead when he noticed that Georges wasn't on the bed, his little green backpack wasn't in its usual corner, and his piggy bank was on its side and empty.

"Philip!" He called in a last ditch effort. Lucy looked up from her phone. He'd been distracted all morning. But why hadn't he noticed his son leaving the apartment?

"Pip?" Lucy asked, checking in the hallway.

Alex swore.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**9:16 am, 14th of February, 2016**

"Theo, honey, you have to tell us where he went. Mr Hamilton is very upset." Aaron was kneeling in front of the girl. Her face was entirely neutral. If Alex wasn't so bloody terrified about Philip, he'd applaud her. But he was, and she'd helped.

"Please tell me where he is." He begged.

She pursed her lips, giving him a stern look, like he was the child in need of punishment. He almost thought she wouldn't tell them. "DC."

"What does that mean?" It was early, he was confused. Aaron groaned.

"No way."

"What?" Alex turned to him.

"Washington DC. That's where he's going." Alex almost swore.

"How?" Theodosia's face was unchanged. She was truly faithful to Philip, no matter the cost.

"We booked a flight. He's going to meet John, from South Carolina."

"When does it leave?" She looked him right in the eye. They were the same shade as Aaron's, but rounder, deeper somehow. When she was older, people would fawn over her.

"Seven thirty." She told him. Alex needed no more information.

"Thank you."

And he ran out.

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**10:07, 14th of February, 2016**

The guys out the front of the airport helped Philip get a taxi really quickly. He thanked them and then got the taxi driver to take him to the Washington Monument.

Tickets were easy enough to buy to get up to the 500th floor and he had packed a lot of sandwiches, just in case he got hungry.

When John got there, he'd take him back to New York and introduce him to daddy, making him see that Maria wasn't right for him.

Philip sat up in the observation deck after his tour, chewing on a sandwich and asking every solitary man if he was John Laurens.

He had a few John's, but John Laurens, from Charlotte, South Carolina, had yet to appear.

Philip wished suddenly that he and Theo had looked him up, so that he could've known how John looked.

Now he had no choice but to ask.

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**2:38 pm, 14th of February, 2016**

John couldn't help but think about a small boy up in the observation deck of the Washington Monument.

He'd mentioned going there to Martha, but she'd waved it off, saying something about it being "too tall" for her and that she'd "rather enjoy it from a distance".

Instead they were standing in a jewellery shop and Martha was talking to an attendant while John busied himself with looking at all the intricate designs on the necklaces in front of him.

"Hey." She tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned around she kissed him on the cheek and placed a small ring box in his hand. "I got something for you."

He smiled at her. "You didn't have to..."

But inside the box was the ring his father had given him, the one that was too small. It was polished now, and looked larger. He pulled it out of the box and slid it onto his finger, with no difficulty.

Martha beamed at him.

"Oh Martha," he leaned down and kissed her, ignoring the blatant hollowness he felt; she'd gotten the ring resized for him. "Thank you."

"I knew it was upsetting you. I figured this would be a good way to show you that I love you." She looked a bit awkward. "You know," she added. "Without actually saying it."

He laughed and hugged her. "I'm not gonna ask how you got this done so fast."

Martha shrugged as they walked out of the shop and into the brisk wintery air. "Sent it down with a friend and some money."

"Nice work."

She grinned and he wrapped an arm around her waist.

They looked very in love, despite the fact that they had never once said "I love you" to each other.

At least without having to be prompted.

They'd never once said "I love you" to each other, and meant it.

-

**New York, New York, USA**

**5:02 pm, 14th of February, 2016**

He'd almost given up and driven to Washington DC. All the flights were delayed. He was sitting in a plane, waiting for the okay to take off. Apparently there was a snowstorm coming.

When he'd first gotten to the airport, all the flights in the morning to Washington were booked. Alex had wondered why on  earth everybody in New York wanted to be in DC on Valentine's Day.

Eliza had always said that patience was not a virtue that Alex possessed. Eliza had been right.

_ Eliza. _

They'd met when they were sixteen. He'd been in New York, fresh from the Caribbean, and she was the daughter of a New York senator.

He'd seen her in Central Park, sitting on a bench, reading a book, her hair pulled up into a messy bun, a blue dress on. Alex had been walking along the path and caught sight of her. She'd told him that she could feel him somehow looking at her and she'd looked up and met his eyes.

He wasn't sure when he really fell in love with her but that was certainly the moment he knew he wanted to know her.

He'd walked towards her, and neither had taken their eyes off the other, so when he was standing in front of her, it was like looking away would break the spell.

He sat down on the bench beside her and held out his hand. She took it.

_ "Alexander Hamilton." _

_ "Elizabeth Schuyler." _

And they started talking. It went on for hours, and the only reason they stopped was because it had begun to grow dark and she needed to be home for dinner.

He'd kissed her hand before she'd left and she blushed bright red.

_ "I want to see you again." _ He told her, honestly.

_ "I want to see you again, too." _ She replied and then asked for his phone. She texted herself and told him that they had to meet up again.

They talked about her dream of funding an orphanage and finding good kids good homes and they talked about his uncanny writing skills.

She was perfect.

It was all perfect.

Until it wasn't and he was left to helplessly watch her waste away to nothing.

Until her cold hand went limp in his and the heart monitor gave out a sharp cry.

Until he was left to chase his son to Washington DC because some man had been interested in them.

The pilot announced something and broke Alex out of his reverie.

They'd be taking off soon.

Alex fastened his seatbelt and hoped for the best.

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**6:35 pm, 14th of February, 2016**

"So, he could be up there, right now, waiting for you?" Martha asked from her place on the steps in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

"Yeah," John admitted. He'd owned up, he couldn't keep the guilt. Martha looked thoughtful, snowflakes landing in her hair.

"Huh."

"What?" He asked, a little pissed at her calmness.

"Oddly, I'm fine with that." She replied, looking surprised at herself. "Like in a way, I kind of want you to go up there a meet this guy, or this little kid."

John bit his lip, turning the ring on his finger.

"You know what?" Martha stood up. "I never really felt any magic between us."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"And when we had sex, I have to admit, it was always kind of awkward."

"I know. You felt that way too? Thank god it wasn't just me."

Martha nodded.

"Look, I don't see this working out." She told him, gesturing between both of their chests. "You need to go up there and meet this guy. He sounds great."

John narrowed his eyes and pulled off the ring, holding it up to eye-level. "You really mean that?"

She snorted. "Yeah. Duh, did you see the way I reacted the moment you said 'babies'?"

He held the ring out to her. "Martha Manning, would you do me the honour of calling off our engagement?"

She took the ring from him, sliding it onto her finger. She giggled. "Yes."

She waved at him, wiggling her fingers. "Now go get him, Johnny-boy."

"Martha, I don't deserve you."

"I wouldn't put it that way." She commented and then grinned. "But okay."

"Keep the ring. It looks better on you anyway." John told her.

He turned to look at the Washington Monument, a long way away from where he was.

"I'm gonna regret this and I know it." He muttered.

John took off running down the steps. He waved behind him. "I'll be back soon!" He called.

Like he wasn't off to go meet some stranger he'd been obsessing over for over a month.

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**6:39 pm, 14th of February, 2016**

He'd stolen somebody's cab. He felt really bad about it, but told himself he couldn't dwell on it. 

The cab took him to the Monument, and he just threw a twenty at him before sprinting into the building.

Alex couldn't believe you had to buy a ticket to get up to the observation deck, but the little old man behind the counter insisted.

Alex knew they prides themselves on the elevator ride being only 70 seconds long, but it was 60 seconds too many.

He breathed a sigh of relief when the doors opened and he was let out into the room. There weren't very many people left there, and Alex almost went down the stairs to the museum ten floors below, when he saw a little green backpack leaning against the windows and a little boy sitting with his knees against his chest beside it.

"Philip!" He cried, running towards him. Philip looked up and jumped to his feet as well.

"Pa!" Alex picked him up and hugged him to his chest.

"What if I couldn't get to you? What if something had happened to you?" The other people in the observation deck were either looking the other way or leaving through the stairs.

"I really thought he'd be here." Philip told him. Alex collapsed to his knees and put Philip down, pulling away to check for injuries.

"I know. I know. I'm sorry. Can we forget this happened? Can you forgive me?" Philip smiled at him and hugged him around the neck again.

"Of course, pa." Alex picked him up again and they walked towards the stairs.

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**6:42 pm, 14th of February, 2016**

"One ticket to the observation deck," John gasped, putting the money on the counter.

The little old man behind the counter gave him a concerned look.

"Where'd you run from?"

"Lincoln Memorial." He gasped again. The little old man winced again.

"I'm sorry, we're closing up early tonight. Snow storm's coming, safety hazard." He told him.

"No," John shook his head. He wasn't allowed up. That was crazy. He wasn't allowed up, after all this. "No please, I'm supposed to somebody up there!"

The man smiled sadly. "Cary Grant right?"

"You know that movie?" John gaped.

"One of my wife's favourites." The man told him.

"Well, this is close enough to the Empire State Building, right?" He was joking, trying to get up. He was so close, he wouldn't let it go now.

"Not really." The man told him. "Look, I'll let you up, but not for too long."

"Thank you!" John rushed to the elevator, leaving the money on the man’s desk.

"I warn you, there's probably no one up there." He called.

"I'm meeting someone!" John replied.

The man smiled lightly, scooping the money into a cash register.

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**6:43 pm, 14th of February, 2016**

Alex began to descend the stairs.

-

**Washington DC, Virginia, USA**

**6:44 pm, 14th of February, 2016**

The elevator doors opened. The observation deck was empty. The man on the elevator next to him told him so.

"Can I just have a minute? I promise I'll be back, just give me a minute."

The man in the elevator nodded and let John out.

John was pretty sure he was going to cry. All this for nothing, all this begging, all this lying, for an empty observation deck.

He wandered over to one of the windows. The view was spectacular. Lights all around him, like little fireflies. It was beautiful. John looked down and saw a little green backpack.

He picked it up, frowning and looked around before unzipping it and pulling out a teddy-bear. On the tag was written "Georges".

"Who do you belong to?" He asked the bear and heard feet on the stairs behind him.

"I left it by the windows..." Said a small voice which trailed off as he turned around. 

He knew who the man and the small boy were before they opened their mouths to speak.

"It's you." The man said.

"It's me." John replied and immediately felt stupid.

"I saw you in the street." Alex said. He knew it was Alex now.

"Are you John Laurens?" Asked Philip, looking up at him.

"Yes." John told him.

"I'm Philip. This is my dad, Alex." Philip tugged on Alex's sleeve.

"Hi Philip.... Alex. And who's this?" He held the bear towards him, hoping it was indeed his.

"Georges." Philip beamed, like he'd passed a very important test. John held the bear up to face him.

"Well hello Georges."

Alex hadn't said a word, so after Joh handed Philip back his backpack and his bear, he held out his hand for a handshake.

Alex didn't look at him.

"We'd better go." He told Philip. Philip nodded, zipping Georges back into his bag and pulling it onto his back.

"Shall we?" This time he was addressing John. John smiled at him and Alex took his hand for a handshake.

John didn't know exactly what about the normal gesture made him stop and catch his breath, but it really felt like…

Alex pulled John after them; they'd started walking to the elevator, and Alex hadn't released his hand. The elevator doors opened and they piled in. Just them and the elevator man.

"Alex. It's really great to meet you." John told him, meaning it, after months of obsession.

It felt like-

_ Magic. _

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr is @nose-coffee, come scream at me and perhaps follow me? Please leave a kudos and a comment, if you'd like. I hope you enjoyed this. Cause it took me two months to write and three days to edit (And 71 pages). Big thanks to Kayden, for constant motivation and encouragement, and for editing shit when I was too tired to. Couldn't have done it with out you!!! Thank you. Bye!


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